i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we're making bets on your personal life
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
