meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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