Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
