this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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