Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
