i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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