Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
where am i from again
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
