K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
