I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
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