thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Someone came in the potted fern
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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