god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
being pregnant is like rehab
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
