I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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