why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
