His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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