turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Houston, we have a squirter
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
