dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
