I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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