you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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