she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
