When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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