Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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