I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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