Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What drink are we having for lunch?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
