Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize