New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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