awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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