can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
