My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
