would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
