so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize