Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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