Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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