My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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