I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
