You can't special order awesome
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Randomize
