The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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