Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
