so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
