Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
