Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
