when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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