I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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