Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
