I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize