Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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