I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
