I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
