I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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