i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
