I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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