Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize