I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
