Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
