i just wanna soil my oats bro
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize