gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My liver just broke up with me...
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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