If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
