Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize