I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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