ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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