I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
