mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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