Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
