Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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