Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
