if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize