His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
