best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize