I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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