I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
