Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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