Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
why does every cop we meet know your name?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
