You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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